Why Do I Still Love You?

Why do I still love you?
Why is it so hard?
It’s too difficult to get over you
And I’m trapped
In this position,
This awkward,
Smiling and blushing position.
Here my mind is screaming,
But I just sit there
Like some giggly girl,
Laughing at your stupid jokes.
All the while
I hear that stupid warning alarm
Ringing in my head,
But I just can’t get over you
No matter how hard I try.
My feelings are crazy
And my heart is racing.
I don’t want to
Go back to you
But my mind is
Forcing me to turn around
When you call my name
And smile back at you,
When all I want to do
Is stare at you in cold silence,
And make you feel
The pain and heartbreak
That I felt for so long.
I despise all this nonsense
With you chasing after me,
After you left me
In the bitter cold.
I despise all this pretending,
With me smiling
Like a blushing girl,
Pretending to
Like you back
And love you too
Even though
I really don’t want to.
My anxiety is taking over
And it’s winning this time,
But I can’t say anything to you.
I’m too worried about
What you’ll say
So instead,
I’ll just sit quietly
And hold my tongue,
Sitting there smiling
Back at you
All the while hating these
Pretending-to-love-you feelings.