The Next Battle

Growing up in a small town
And being gay didn’t mesh.
There were no clubs or groups or places
That I could be myself.
The Catholic Church (and everyone I knew)
Told me I was different.
Was wrong. Was broken.
I was a sin.
Pushing down who I am
was the only way to salvation.

Living a double life robbed me
of everything.
What it means to be in love
and to be loved
and to experience what it means to
fall in love for the first time.

It stole my first kiss, first love,
bringing who I want to homecoming.
I lose count of the times I didn’t
have a chance to live a normal life.

Escaping for college allowed me to find my family.
And the first time I walked into a gay bar
My heart raced in-sync with the thumping bass
Of a Disturbia remix
Through the thick air from the fog machine
Strangers seemed familiar.
I didn’t feel alone anymore.

Drinking
Releases my locked-up inhibitions,
Lets my light shine brighter.
It’s the unconditional acceptance I missed growing up
from family,
from friends,
from classmates,
from neighbors.

This hole in my existence had to be filled.
Dim the lights and dampen the feelings
the quickest fix
the quickest drink
the quickest escape
from reality was the only way
I could exist.

My escape was a drink of refreshing freedom.
The scars of hatred I carry only numbed
Only quieted by blending in to the beat music
Blurred by strong drinks one after another.

I lose count of the times I should have
Closed my tab.
Another drink told me who I am is OK.
Another drink told me what I am is OK.
A life of denial had been replaced
with strobe pulsing fog-filled caverns
floors slick with sweat and spilled drinks.

I have a problem. I drink too much.
It’s not what I want.
It’s not what I need.
It’s what I have been taught.
And I’m not alone.

The gay bar is a safe place
For me, for my people
But when substance abuse runs high
In this family, our safe place becomes
Another battle we need to rise against.

I have a problem.
I am broken in a different way
And cannot find help to put the pieces back together.
My community that once fought for safe spaces of our own
Needs to fight for treatment options for our community.
Because we cannot heal from past trauma and present addiction
Unless we are seen for it all.