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What Was I Thinking

I never imagined that my thinking could kill
But getting sober helped to realize that I’m mentally ill.
Every decision I made, every choice I would face
Was based upon fear and never on faith.

I was told that my ability to choose what was best
It was damaged by drinking and self-centeredness.
I refused to believe that I wasn’t the one
But the proof can be seen by the damage I’d done.

My disease sits quietly in the back of my mind
Convincing me daily that I’m doing just fine.
But all it will take is for me to agree
That’s all my disease needs to overtake me.

It talks to me when I’m alone with myself
Cleverly rationalizing and justifying itself.
My mind has proven a very dangerous place
Especially when it comes to choices I face.

In order to recover from this thinking disorder
That keeps me locked up in my own mental torture.
I must become humble and admit, “I don’t know.”
That’s the only way my thinking will grow.

To admit that I created my own personal hell
Is a crush to my ego and my false pride as well.
I have to be able to open my mind
And be willing to leave all my old thoughts behind.

To think alcoholically is perplexing to some
But to this alcoholic those choices weren’t dumb.
They seemed like very good decisions to me
All my ideas had a purpose that they just couldn’t see.

When I made the decision to put down the drink
That’s when I realized that my brain had a kink.
All of my choices that I made while drinking
I can now honestly say, “What the hell was I thinking?”

Getting sober, for me, is a huge stepping stone
But it’s gonna require that I don’t go it alone.
If I want to be proud of the choices I make
Then I must be willing to go any length.

By taking my decisions to someone like me
Someone who has recovered from the same malady.
Whose thinker was just as broken as mine
But she worked the 12 steps and now her thinking is fine.

I know every decision won’t turn out as I planned
But at least they are decisions that I now understand.
How they will affect this new life that I chose
And with practice and progress I’ll continue to grow.

About this poem

Once I got sober, I was taught that drinking was just a symptom. I had to become honest about the person I was inside. Also, that my ability to make good sound decisions was damaged through drinking. I would have to take my ideas to someone else because, until I got sober, my best ideas got be drunk. Life is amazing today and I thank so many people for their support and love. Especially the God of my understanding who gives me the strength I need on a daily basis.

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Written on May 20, 2012

Submitted by HappyNBlessed on January 14, 2022

2:10 min read

Quick analysis:

Closest metre Iambic hexameter
Characters 2,123
Words 434
Stanzas 11
Stanza Lengths 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4

Audra Caffrey

I live in Florida and I am a local dessert vendor called The Ice Queen. I started writing poetry in elementary school and never thought much about it. I think it has a lot to do with being a hopeless romantic and I'm hypersensitive to other people's emotions, circumstances, relationships and everything in between. I found out later while in treatment for drug and alcohol addiction that poetry was a huge part of my recovery. I used poetry to help express myself and put my thoughts to paper. I can't write on a whim like some. I found that my poetry is inspired by my surroundings and how they have impacted me at that moment. Poetry is such a blessing and a beautiful form of expression that I get to share with others. more…

All Audra Caffrey poems | Audra Caffrey Books

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    "What Was I Thinking" Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Web. 25 Mar. 2023. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/117674/what-was-i-thinking>.

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