My Truth

When I was 4 or 5, and I was barely alive,
One of my first memories was wanting to die.
I had this wooden dresser and grabbed me a knife,
And carved over and over how "I want to die".
When I was 6 or 7 I started going to school.
Wasn't long before other kids knew I wasn't cool.
My parents non existent what's a young boy to do,
But embarrassed run and hide so they wouldn't be cruel.
At 8 to 10 I tried leaving for real with some pills,
Young and dumb I lived through it, just cried with Advils.
The kids at school didn't let up so I took myself to church,
I gave and gave and gave some more to distract from my hurt.
At 12 and 13 I started to feel like a "man",
I had crushes on girls and made a few friends,
But my crushes didn't want me, still want life to end.
Still had no real parents on which to depend.
By 15 life at home already in free fall,
My parents hate each other and barely talk at all.
I double down on church and meet my first girlfriend,
Her family takes me in, maybe my hopelessness will end.
It isn't my home, my family or dogs,
But for a while I feel like maybe I belong.
For a couple years my relationship is on and off,
Schools never been good to me but it's time to finish up.
17 and only brief happy moments rarely to spare,
Invite my first love to prom, she's not comfortable in that atmosphere.
Drama ensues, friendships end, church is done for me.
I try returning in years ahead but it isn't welcoming.
So I try leaving again, but my heart is so broken,
That I reach out to the parents of her who had stolen,
An ambulance ride to a hospital room,
To stare at some mirrors before cleared to go home.
18 and kicked out of my house as my head's reeling about,
Gone from church isn't good enough, rumors pass word of mouth.
And all this time, front of my mind, chaos seeking peace,
Images of hanging myself while I cry myself to sleep.
I had dreamed of helping kids like me,
But they killed that dream mercilessly.
The world changes fast as 19 hits and my father passes away,
Past "friends" regroup for a day off school to watch me from far away.
By 20 my mother lost all of my trust.
So I looked elsewhere for guidance and on good influence came up bust.
I started drugs and steroids too, needles in my body,
Drinking heavily was new as well and it helped make death plans seem foggy.
But plan I did year after year, while rebuilding motherly relations,
And with my brother also tried to find us common stations.
Moving home was dangerous, but we tried anyways,
Maybe did more harm than good, we went our separate ways.
To 25 was all a blur, Moved in with my little brother.
Never did I feel safe, motivated happy or secure.
The robbery once again sent us packing,
But my passion for work and life was still lacking.
My birthday party, if you can call it that,
Is a festive gathering of coworker hats.
Most of the "friends" that I had didn't make it,
In fact most of them didn't even bother to fake it.
Self confidence tanking and my heart still barely beating,
Move in with my cousin while my mom keeps manipulating.
Things don't work out there, the space is real great,
But my mom needs help so off back home do I make.
My job has been draining what life ai have left
So I change my position, hoping my mood will lift.
I bring home my dog and it's my happiest day,
Before it begins, already being eaten away.
28 was sure one hell of a year, started with love and ended in tears.
Mom killed off all the work rebuilding we'd done,
While I dated a porn star, she hated her son.
Threatened twice to end her own feeble life
If her bankrupt eldest wouldn't buy cigarettes and a light.
29 was panicked and fast,
Moved back with my bro and his friends in a dash.
For two years I finally felt safe where I lived,
While I got over the love of my life and both of  her kids.
Just thinking of her, how I could never be enough,
Does nothing but add fuel to the fires in my thoughts.
Or how my true friends who don't run away
Must listen to me cry day after day.
Now even brothers don't mean that much,
I guess he too has had enough.
I look in my dogs eyes and simply I know
That the life I provide is lacking, and it clearly shows.
Her eyes seem less joyful, her excitement has waned,
Athena's routine every day hasn't changed.
She lives to be near me, wakes with me each morning,
She sighs as I shower because it's her warning.
Waits by the door for a brief chance to see me
Between when I towel off and before I am leaving.
My life is so behind I've no choice but to work,
And each morning my heart breaks and I feel like a jerk.
Daddy promises to play when I get back from my job,
Then I leave her to boredom until her head bobs.
A day filled with sleep till dad's finally home,
Some love before he's off to a screen, and she feels alone.

"It's not his fault, I know my daddy tries,
I wait all day for him to come home so I can lay at his side."
"My daddy is tired, we still get to play,
But I sure wish that dad had more time in his day."
"Dad's not just lazy, it's more, he's exhausted,
From all the relationships and people he trusted."
"Sometimes I wonder why he wants to die,
Why often nights before falling asleep does he cry,
I wish I was enough to fulfill his whole life,
But I just keep on loving to keep him alive."

I still have good friends for the times that are tough,
Deep down though I believe that won't be enough.
My internal battle is constantly waging,
My demons warring over sides to be taking.
'Does he end things and leave those few lights in his dark?'
'Does he fight on and bear it for the sakes of their hearts?'
'Does he leave and provide his dog the life she deserves?'
'One he can't give her while he's still here on earth?'
Years ago I decided the route I'd be taking,
But again, still years later, my war is still waging.
I used to believe them, that life would get brighter,
Be patient, keep trucking, we know you're a fighter.
How many rounds must a fighter endure
Before they endorse his towel hitting the floor?
They told me things would get better back when I was young,
But I still want to die, and this year, I turn 31.