Awakening

I remember it wasn’t the fact that I was so young that made me so upset, although that did play a strong part as well, but it was that I felt lied to. It was at that period in time that my world started slowly crashing in front of me. Everything I had known, or at least thought that I had known was ruined. The perfect family, mother, father, surrogate father, and even my closest of friends. It was all gone, the curtains had closed and the cast came out. I had to face the realization of imperfections and flaws that existed in my life. The age factor started to play into my frustration and heartbreak at this point as well. I felt it was not fair as an 11 year old I faced the harshest of what life had to offer. I just wanted to live in that blissful ignorance for a bit longer. I wanted to hurt myself at the playground during recess. I took a pencil to my wrist during math. I wanted to end my own life at the age of 11. That isn’t right, and I knew it at the time too. I still don’t think it was fair. I was a child, I still am. This world is a bleak place. I may not have taken my life during that first year, but something in me did die. I remember I used to pretend I was giving speeches in front of my mirror about hope. I would say it was what saved me from death. But I think the truth is that I was trying to actually convince myself to live. Tears would fall down my face as I tried to keep going. As time went on the speeches got shorter and shorter, till there were none.