Dissonance

Does the pain ever ease?
Do the memories never cease?
Will tears ever stop slipping down my cheeks?
Will the feeling of being too much myself,
And the world too much as well,
Ever go away?
Will I just wake up one day
To find it all magically disappeared-
The heaviness of not belonging,
Feeling lost and found simultaneously
When does it stop tearing you in two?
The being here?
The not being here?
The present but unfeeling here?
When do the boxes stop clicking shut
Magically filing away
The pain so you can pretend
To be the same
Dissasociation after dissasociation
Why do I always feel as if
Everything is too much
The evil, the coldness, the sounds
Of this world
In dissonance
With my soul, my soul crying
For belonging, acceptance, love,
Logic, order, painlessness
And yet the pain goes on
And on and on
And occasionally you rise up
And breathe before you're sunk so low
You can't come up for air again
And then you're left once again
Slowly counting one, two all the way to ten
To regain the strength
To push forward
Grasp the hands you can barely see
Or focus on
Bursting onto the surface once more,
Look at the sky! Feel the wind!
Before you are inevitably
Pulled under again, and again and again
Brief pauses in between
Saying it is worth it it is worth it
Feeling your sweet breath in your lungs
On the surface
The calm hands holding you
Nature cocooning you
A child's voice loving you
The only things right in this world
And so you continue to stay
For the water, the grass under your feet
And for the child's soul, so sweet