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All the petals of my love for you

Because of you, I wrote again
because of the pain
I stopped
I dropped
But this time
I'll write

Because you are too much to keep inside
You are to be expressed
only you in my sight
and without you I feel so distressed

I said it all
and it's what makes me fall
I poured myself, my story and my secrets onto you
evidently it was too much to keep
and now I weep

I fell and you didn't catch me
now I have to pick up every piece of me that I gave, fix everything you dropped
Will we ever be?

I stayed in a burning house and suffocated trying to keep it standing
but you had already saved yourself
"I'm building a better one for us" you said
You were standing outside watching me decompose
but I stayed
I was too blinded by the smoke to notice you had already left
there was nothing left to save

I was under water trying to keep our boat floating
and you decided to go swim elsewhere
maybe build another boat
forgetting I had no idea how to swim with you gone

You made me promise to stay
"Forever," you said
For your broken promises I pay
because in the end, you're the one who fled

I pray you stay
but you leave
and I'm left here to grieve

is the question that sums up everything I feel

I wonder how it feels sitting knowing what you did
not when she's sitting next to or on you
but when you're alone and you realize she's not me
when you realize she won't write poems and songs to you
when you receive no paragraph every day
she loves you and laughs at your jokes
but she's no where near being me
and she'll never be

And if I'm not the one
I hope whoever is
Loves you in the way you want to be
I hope she brings out that beautiful smile
the one that lifted me
the one that shatters me
After you stop searching for yourself in people
you'll find her
after you're over how much you lost when you lost me
you'll have her
And she'll be all you ever needed.

And since you're not the one
I need to free myself
I made a promise not to go back to you
so today is the day I fall
I'll let myself crash and break completely
just for today
tomorrow I'm building myself again
Tomorrow I'll pick every piece of me
Everything I gave, I'll gather my belongings and
finally, I'll leave that burning house and stop suffocating
I'll breathe again tomorrow
I'll move three thousand miles away
And build another house
not with another, not yet
But one for myself
I'll fix everything and put back every piece of myself
I'll turn the lights on because the first mistake I made
was to let your smile be the only light in the darkness
I turned off every light to see it
but I know better now.
I'll write my name the way I like again
I'll be me, I'll grow, I'll pray, I'll change
I'll be happy again.

And eventually, whenever God wills it so
I'll love again and again,
time and time I'll remember those piercing eyes
but they'll be a distant memory
I'll fall in love and love as deep as someone
who's ocean you didn't drink from until there was nothing left
like someone who's never been left empty
I know I'll find someone because I pray and believe
I know there is someone who will love all of me
someone who will give as much as I do
someone who will deserve me
someone who will complement me because I'm already whole
someone who will give and receive from me
someone who will respect me
someone who will make me happy
someone who will be consistent
someone who will elevate me
someone who will appease me
someone who will show to me the type of soft love, the type of genuine and true love
I never knew found anywhere else
someone who will make me feel loved and cared for
someone who will grow with me
someone who will mature with me
someone who will build with me
someone who will bless me
someone who is all this and more
because he is God-given
and he is the one.
And when I get over everything I lost when I lost you,
I'll find him.

Thank you.
For existing
For loving me
For being there for me
For supporting me
For smiling for me
For staying and finally
thank you for leaving because I know I'll be much happier from now on,
because I can now work on the castle that I want to be.

I forgive you
For hurting me
For lying to me
For breaking you promises to me
For making me afraid
For making me insecure
For her, all of them
For using me
For manipulating me
For putting me through all this
and finally
For leaving me.
I'm letting go of all the anger and hurt right now because I know
It wasn't me. Because this time I did everything and you still left.
It wasn't, we weren't meant to be.

And before I delete everything, throw away everything that connects me to you
I want to say one last time
that I love you, with the most direct essence from the deepest, most hidden, parts of my soul
I love all that you are and to me
you are perfection in its most natural form
you are truly dazzling my love
so utterly beautiful.
I won't come back and one day I'll stop being in love with you, soon I hope, but even so
I'll always have pure love for you in my heart.
So this is the last goodbye, this is my last kiss blown in the air to you, and I hope it gets to you.
You made me a better person and even though you're not my person anymore, you're a person still so
take care, pretty boy.

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Submitted by 29.G on October 10, 2021

5:26 min read

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    "All the petals of my love for you" Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 29 Nov. 2021. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/111757/all-the-petals-of-my-love-for-you>.

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