Dual Diagnosed

The worst choice of my life was leaving my children behind.
Bipolar and drowning in fucking alcohol, I made that choice twice.
"Its best for them" I said, "I couldn't let them see me."
But it was best for my fucking self so I could still be drinking.
Id defend that justification id take my last breath with it.
Walk on eggshells mutherfucker, you better not even question it.
What was best for them was to have their fucking mother around.
While they were asking where there mom was I had beers to pound.
I did this to roman too before i left all he wanted was his mom.
Emotionally disconnected bipolar was there but I was gone.
You see son, your mother is a f*ck up, i cant live up to your demands.
And im sorry to the twins you guys were dealt an incredibly bad hand.
And i just want to scream at the top of my fucking lungs.
If they couldn't feel their mothers love why should i deserve self love?
My mistakes were so devastating but i masked them as courageous.
I was selfish as f*ck bipolar and drunk, in denial so I could never say this.
And Ive tried to make it right, I've fought to be redeemed.
But my head is a bad place for me that i can never leave.
Their admiration is effortless, they don't have any demands.
These kids love unconditionally I don't deserve this fairy land.
And that's what it is, its magic, untainted by reality.
A destructive force that they call mommy, they don't deserve the brutality.
I wish that I take a pill and bipolar would go away.
I have taken bottles in one sitting bipolar is here to stay.
Im protective of my children more than usual because I've caused them so much pain.
But I cant protect them from this chemical imbalance this demon is here to stay.
I will never be cured. Its an uphill battle, I pray they never notice.
But ill never be what I want for them, and i will always know this.
So to my babies sleeping peaceful dream of your loving mother.
While I battle the turmoil inside, in a war that is undercover.