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Goodbye. I am Leaving



you don't know who you are til you're pushed too far
starve your mind just to see the real monster you are
I always keep moving
Pack, get in the car
stop checking the mirrors when I merge into traffic.
stop getting out of bed. stop trying.
I had it.
this is MY story. Don't talk. No one hears you.
I’ll show you my darkness, my demons
They’ll see you.
Do you realize your life may not be how it seems? Am I starving my demons, or are they starving me?

I will try to explain how I broke free from this chain and I promise times change. you will forget my name

I was never okay.
but I knew I could be, when I hung myself off of the old apple tree
I know you don’t know what it means to be free..
But I can. It's not here.. there’s no music in me.
You see, I don't belong here; let me go. Let me leave.

being starved of emotion to live in deceit.
to run from your dreams.
and you ignored my screams for your own self esteem.
. let me set myself free.

It’s time to get going.
Keep pretending you didn’t spend the last couple years knowing the sparkle in my eyes had completely stopped glowing.
I did nothing but give.
I still ended up owing.
But who can we blame - was it you or just me? sad I had waited so long to be free Wasting time at the river when I belonged to the sea. I had known for so long there's no music in me.

Something inside me likes ripping people apart. Why can’t i be normal? And where would i start? I’d tear out my hair and twist my brain inside out but the coping skills I was taught drove me through the wrong route - have you ever opened your mouth and tried to shout but nothing comes out? Is it hard for you to imagine what I’m talking about?

all I see is darkness. And for that I am grieving. knowing light lost the battle, packed its stuff and it’s leaving. I rolled up my sleeves and I knelt once more pleading to anyone listening, ‘my heart’s fucking bleeding.’
So goodbye. I am leaving.

Holding on to my rage, how i kept it inside me, festering, surrendering to the ghosts i let guide me.
But ghosts, as you know, they are gone. They HAVE been. In my case when they came knocking I had just let them in
They must have been starving, made a meal of my heart
To satisfy their ego they took it apart
Cut it up into pieces and burned it alive
to fill up their bellies my soul was the price
Why did being a victim give me feelings of pride?

No matter how empty i was, they wanted more. The damage i caused from unlocking the door. you can't let them go without starting a war. so you're drowning, you're screaming- what's life? There’s no meaning? and the panic sets in; you've gone too, you're a HAD-been.

And you. You assured me this shit was all just a 'test'
you were coasting, exceeding - I created a mess. you spent every day dreaming when I began to realize my life didn't have meaning. Constant obsessing over the web I was weaving. And my heart’s fucking bleeding. so goodbye. i am leaving.
those times i heard voices, they always were crying. 'You are fat. You are sick. You are better off dying.' It was hard to ignore because they really weren't lying
Can’t you understand that my soul’s fucking dying? Are you not even trying?

It got way too tough. I had just had enough. I tried to go back to our church, but God's never said much. ‘You can always get better. This is all just a phase.'
yet 20 years later, I’m still stuck in this maze. it feels like a game. 'You are sick. Not insane. Don't use my name in vain.'
darkness couldn't be contained
suffocating my brain
Leaving my cup half empty constantly feeling drained
You’re cream and sugar. I’m bitter. I’m plain.
Let me go my own way.

for a second I imagined a different path. The red thing on my shoulder just started to laugh. maybe if I stayed a little longer I’d be able to see, it shook its head and said everyone would be pleased.
everything I touched became infected. Ruined. diseased.

So With tears down my cheeks and my heart bleeding so badly I kicked over the chair praying some god would have me
some god became no god .
no beyond.
Just mad me. Just sad me.
God DAMN me.
The devil can HAVE ME.

'Til I met the Grim Reaper, I was fearful of death.
He showed me the way, dark features consuming. running his hands through my hair, felt my blood flow resuming.
He said, 'Lovely girl, you've spent all of your time getting used, getting emotionally abused, your heart broken in two. Tell me why did you do this?
I shrugged. 'I have no clue.'
He cooed, 'Baby, I do.'
'You just don't belong here, it was not meant to be.'
as he spoke, I gazed out at our old apple tree -
'There's bigger things out there, I think you'll agree.
I will show you a door - only I have the key - take hold of my hand. I will take you with me. The darkness will guide us. It will help set you free.
The clock, it is ticking.
Get your things.
We must leave.'

I looked at him, his words running circles in my head. My spirit was broken. I'm better off dead. I tried so long to hold on - I was on my last thread.
'I'm coming. I trust you.' was all that I said.
It was then that I knew - his visit was so, so past due - I took hold of his hand. We walked out of the room.

And now that it’s over, I hope you see it was best.
You can wipe off the tears - I'm no longer depressed - though I know how it feels - like a knife in your chest - just say shush to your heart. I am fine. Get some rest.
Thank you for trying - You kept my heart beating
for the love you showed me was pure gold. It had meaning.
But I chose to go with him. this place is so freeing. Here, I’m a somebody. Out there, I was just 'being.'
I'm now learning to dance to the music I sing. And I'll never forget you. I'm still wearing my ring.
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Written on October 01, 2016

Submitted by Chl0roform on September 12, 2021

5:47 min read
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