My Father and the ‘In-between Me’

For years I have had
this all consuming nightmare.
Dreading his demise
when I am still alive,
I am in a quagmire.

I cannot bear the thought
that he is no more.
How can I live
when he leaves
this world and
leaves me all alone
how can this I even mourn?

I am thirty five,
I still feel like a child.
I was a baby still
to my father when he was alive.
He used to call me ‘my princess’
His love for me was beyond excess.

Has he now passed away
no warnings , no bye byes?
I am cowering with grief,
I cannot bear it alone,
his love for me felt so brief,
despite being beyond excess,
I was always his princess.

I loved him so so much.
Nothing in this world
meant me more dear
I am cowering with grief
how can I bear this mischief
all alone now in this world,
I cannot bear the thought
of his demise,
but the only solace left is
that my love as a daughter
for my father will endure forever.
I am cowering with grief,
how can I bear this mischief?

Suddenly, what is this
out of me that I see?
Who is that ‘In-between Me’?
Who are those standing
round that grave staring
out of me that I see?

I see tears rolling down
my father ‘s eyes.
I can see those tears
even behind his glass,
I think I can even hear his prayers.

I see this spectre in a spectacle
and wonder what is this miracle,
not only can I see my father
but also my friends in a circle
and Adam  and my sister in a thrall.

Suddenly I have this epiphany
Suddenly I am at peace with me
that I never knew before.
Suddenly I realise I never
need to worry about nightmare
of my father’s demise
or anyone else for that matter,
I am no longer in a quagmire,
I am redempted for ever.

My name was Brahmani
my father and all those who love me
always and even now call me Bonnie,
because I was such a loving bunny
and now this bunny is happy
and she is at peace finally.