My Mind



You don’t want to know what crosses my mind
It’s not flowers, sunshine , kisses and love
It’s pain, it’s hurt , it’s deceit, it’s the fact that they lied.
It’s cursed.
It’s the ugly that makes you leave
And then come back because, you forgot the depth that brought you in.  
It’s the relatability that gave you chills
It’s the fact that I understood, that I couldn’t judge.
It was the experience.  
It was never who I was.
It was what you’d rather I portray.

Someone who went through the turmoil
The anger, the neglect
I’m someone you vent to
I’m someone that crosses your mind when you need someone to use.
Yet, I’m the hardest and the easiest to lose.  
You don’t love me , you just need me.
You don’t like me , you like my energy.  
And if you loved me , you’d know that I , too need healing too.  

Like, when there’s days when I look in the mirror and hate my body and face. Judge every angle I turn, until I’m not a solid figure. I’m melting more.
Mock myself and end up crying , give myself a hard time for not doing things perfect.
Constantly reminding myself to stop giving guys pieces of me just because they claim they “like” me.  
Then I give in and cry myself to sleep because, I was the dumbass that challenged fate.   
When there’s days I wish I wasn’t on Earth. The constant waste of breath and words of positivity I try to provide and still no respect as I was promised.  
The times I lay up until 5am overthinking about things I can no longer change but, the passion to change it.  
But then....
There’s the days I look in the mirror and love my acne, love the angles of my body no matter the fog on the mirror.  Love it! Until it’s a solid figure.  

Mock myself and then end up laughing because, I’m annoyingly funny.
Give myself praise for following what I feel what is right or accomplishing something I felt I couldn’t.  
Constantly reminding myself that I don’t need to be in love with anybody but, myself and if it’s written for me it’ll be on the next page.  
Then I go to sleep peacefully because, I’m not holding onto someone.  Just me. Just higher standards for myself.  
Then there’s days I’m happy that I’m here on Earth. The constant days of joy , another day to change and grow.  
The nights I lay on my pillow wrapped up in my comforter with my Alexa playing melodic music kissing myself goodnight , because I know I cannot change it, and I will not fathom to fix it.  

The raw personality of mixtures : the sarcasm, the weirdness, the dark sense of humor , the inner anger, the gold heart that loves, the loyalty the forgiveness, the hurt, the trials of pain, the detachment, the clingy, the destruction all foils down to a sense of who I am and I will not change - not even for a price.

I guess my thing is ... I love too hard.  I expect to treat everybody with understanding and compassion while knowing I won’t get it back.  I was told I was too “intimidating” a guy once told me so.  Said that my ability to be so loving but, not let someone screw with my heart over again was threatening. The ability to say how I feel and not be used was unbarring. That men hate a women who can do everything for themselves because, what place would he have ? And I just shrugged.  

I can see that it is growing dead. Love , I mean. People rather spit the word “love” out so freely and not mean it intentionally.  Just spewing it out like daggers to get what they want and then solemnly leave like they didn’t cause damage.  
When you tell someone you love them- mean it. Don’t only love them when they are happy and mentally well.  Love them when they are sad too and mentally ill. You love them when you don’t understand them. You love them when it’s easy to understand them. You love them at all cost NOT partial.

As many times as I’ve witnessed. Love is WEAK now. It seems like people are using those who love the hardest to their own advantage -knowing the damage that it leaves behind.  It’s crucial.  It’s unkind. And I hate it. Because, what about me? What about others? They don’t care. The only thing that makes me feel better is picturing them years from now sitting on their porch all alone watching the couples go by in love.  

Just know...

You’re creating monsters with venomous brains and slashing tongues.  Monsters who have the ability to love , but chose not to based on past tribulations.  Monsters who aren’t putting their hearts on display or those who fail to protect it and become enraged.  Monsters with bipolar minds and battle love/hate relationships with themselves.  Because, they’ve witness you pointing out all the things you hated about them- before they even grew to love it.

Changing every course of their beauty to replicate a standard that benefit everybody else’s desire. Yet, you all scream that they are “crazy”- you all scream that they don’t “fit in” or that are “too angry”. You couldn’t survive in the heads of ours. You couldn’t survive in mine.  

It’s the up and down emotional stress.  It’s the up and down self-love and hate. It’s the bickering- it’s the accepting. It’s the controlling and then letting it go. It’s the pivot of isolation and lack of communication but, then wanting to be invited and then not wanting to become a burden. It’s the wanting to vent but, then afraid you’re being annoying. It’s the wanting to escape but, not wanting to leave.  It’s being controlling  but, having no control.

It’s the things you don’t know.  Try loving everybody for their little tics, quirks, mistakes, their ugly ,their damages , their perfections, their accomplishments, their healing and their beauty.  And then have everybody leave you for yours.  That’s what plays in my mind constantly.  But, I’d rather walk the world with no army , then walk the world in packs and be so blind.  I’d rather sit alone in my car and vibe alone then be surrounded by frauds and lose sanity.  

I can love/hate myself daily.  Because, I know me. It’s those who don’t know me or those who “think” they know me - that I ablaze.

About this poem

A lot of times ,we as humans , tend to think we “know” people because, we know about them. Or they’ve told us certain things that we feel are valuable so, we define them as such. In reality, we don’t know people at all, we don’t know what they’re thinking. How they feel, what they’ve been through, and their purpose. This is a dip into my mind.

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Written on July 01, 2021

Submitted by Bethani on July 21, 2021

Modified on March 18, 2023

5:25 min read
13

Quick analysis:

Scheme ABXXXXXCXXX XDEXXFFE XDFXXGXX FAXXXG X X CX B G X X F X
Characters 6,112
Words 1,083
Stanzas 13
Stanza Lengths 11, 8, 8, 6, 1, 1, 2, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1

Bridget Overton

I am 24 years old. I live in Kentucky. I started writing at 7, writing has been a big part of my life. It’s like seeing the world in a more descriptive setting. It’s beautiful but, terrorizing. more…

All Bridget Overton poems | Bridget Overton Books

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    "My Mind" Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 19 Mar. 2024. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/105461/my-mind>.

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