HIM

I abruptly open my eyes,it's 3:00 a.m,oh God no,he's back! Its been awhile since i last felt him. Honestly, i thought he was gone for good but alas i wasn't getting away that easily.

"Hey you worthless fool,you don't deserve love, infact you should never have been born,remember your mother who died,it should have been you,maybe your brother would have turned out better but no,he's stuck with you."he starts.

It has been like this for years,everytime i feel i've been too happy i worry that he's going to show up.That he who wont let me be, makes me cry, makes me want to be alone all the time for fear that others will see what he says i am. A worthless human being.

I dont remember when he started showing up but i've grown to tell when he's about to and it's usually in the night. Books,google and researchers have tried to help me get rid of him.they say,"Meditate,be around happy people,create positive affirmations." I tried and for a while i felt abit happy until out of no where he shows up stronger than ever and it's back to square one.

It's funny,i've learnt to live with him,he's like that headache that you always have but never take a painkiller for because you've grown used to the idea that maybe it's part of you.
I know he's not part of me and i can fight him but my self pitying ass kind of likes having him around.He sort of gives me an excuse to keep settling for less afterall it's all am worth, right?

Wrong,today i woke up with a  strength i have never felt before,ive decided to put an end to him,am going to kill him,am not letting something in my mind control my decisions anymore. Ofcourse i've been down this road before but today feels different and maybe it is .