Analysis of Broken Equilibrium

You held a sword at my throat,
Cause your head was at gunpoint.
I see the gun in reflections of the blade,
But the silver edge's in front of my eyes.
I do not want to hurt you.
Still I dream,
Of your death, every night.
I pull out my hairs
For not knowing,
Whether I would grieve you
Or I would smile?
Either way,
I would be senile.
Broken equilibrium.
A pendulum swinging
Between acceptance and denial,
Denying what
I don't even know
Your death Or my pride?
Pride to shed tears
Hell! Why am I crying?
Would it be your death
That my throat closed?
Would it be relief
That it all died?
But would it end, though?
Because I will still see that dark shadow
Lurking In corner of my eyes.
The fog will still blur everything
Still On my knees,
I will clutch and cradle my being
When I'll lose control on road
Every once in a while.
Still, I will curse you
Remembering every scar on my mind.
And again, when the tears turn into sniffles
I'll get up and laugh
And ask again.
Is it my fault?
Did everything you say is truth?
Is it just that you have broken equilibrium too?
So for that,
I should forgive you ?