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walking together

Once upon a summer night & as the winds started to blow the stars were shining bright as the moon had a nice glow,It was a crescent moon & the skies were blue i knew that soon it would be & you,Just one on one having our friendly talk thinking about what fun holding hands while we walk,As we both realize knowing how lucky we are gazing into one anothers eyes rocketing like a shooting star,When you see sparks fly & as you hear the sound it's just you & i walking on bare ground.
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Poetry.com 3.5 out of 5 based on 2 votes.
Scotty Bruner More than 1 year ago
keep it up
April Ozuna More than 1 year ago
It's one long run-on sentence. I don't know where to break. It's almost like you wrote a 1-sentence paragraph. I love the imagery....and your reference to the stars and the moon. I feel your love and passion for this person... but it's just so hard to read. Have you thought about dividing it into stanzas? For example: Once upon a summer night... Winds gently blowing, stars shining bright.. And you build up this beautiful image of this breezy, starry night with the moon having a "nice" glow... When you're painting such a beautiful picture of this perfect evening you want to avoid dull, bland adjectives such as "nice". Spice it up. Use the thesaurus to generate those interesting adjectives. Maybe you could say something like, "The moon's soft, enchanting glow..." or "A crescent moon with beams of light." Something like that. You begin with rhyme but then you stop. And in the second line you make reference to blue skies (reference to the daytime) but in the first line you are talking about the night. Also, be mindful of your grammar and always capitalize the personal pronoun "I"... always. I love how you reference the shooting star and sparks flying. I can feel the true depth of what you're trying to express... I think that your feelings are definitely conveyed and that your imagery is strong. However, poor grammar and lack of structure will detract from the passion of your poem because it doesn't flow. You have to read it aloud the way we, your readers read it. Give this poem a little lift. You already have your ideas down... just clean up the grammar and give it "some" sort of structure. And then you
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